BTG 3: More on Fear

I am pleased to say I have yet to miss a day in the weight room.  Though I feel unsure and awkward at times I am focusing more on what I am doing rather that what other see me as doing.  After my last post I began thinking about other decisions in my life that were altered by some form of fear.  The continual use of the word "fear" might seem a little harsh, but when everything boils down there isn't a more appropriate description.  I've realized that I need to accept that fear has been a driving force, for the negative, in order to correct it.  A quick review of decisions in my life that I can absolutely attribute to some sort of fear.

Ability to build relationships with people of a perceived status.  This started when I was a young kid.  Like most others I wanted to be included, but instead of trying to be included in the "cool" group (whether the group was actually good or bad is not the point) I would employ two different strategies.  I would bend my personality just a bit to fit into the group, or not even try to make friends out of fear.  The idea of presenting myself in raw and being rejected was normally to horrible to even try.

Playing in the post.  This seems a little odd, but for my purposes I should be low post player in basketball, but normally end up floating to the outside where I can shoot jumpers.  I am good at jumpers, but want to create a presence down low.  My ability to jump is quite sad and I have allowed this deficiency, and the problems it causes, to destroy my inside game.  Quite frankly I don't want to look stupid, so I stay outside where I rarely look stupid.

Church responsibilities.  I believe this is tightly related to my first fear.  As I was trying to create my identity as a young teenager, I didn't want to be "Peter Priesthood."  This had a significant effect on what should have been much better involvement.  I managed to skirt the edges of righteousness, but I never dove in.

Visiting.  Part of church is making visits for various reasons.  This was always something I procrastinated as much as possible.  Whether it was for fast offerings or for home teaching.  Getting out of it was normally my goal.

Being able to diagnose the cause of these fears will help me overcome them.  I think in an oversimplification one might say I (like most people) am afraid of being rejected.  Whether that rejected is based on my personality, my religion, my ability or any other of my shortcomings being an outsider is so scary that it has immobilized me at many times in my life.

BTG 2: Fear

Sometimes the gap seems so large it overwhelms just considering bridging it.  The desire is massive, but how to apply that desire to effective action is no where near your circle of ability.  Obviously these things are all creations of your persona, but don't tell that to someone standing on the edge looking over the chasm.  "Hey buddy, don't worry about that them mile wide canyon.  It's really only a foot wide the fact that you can barely see the other side is all just a figment of your imagination." There exists only one truth, but reality is a personal matter and the truth is to the person preparing to bridge the gap, though in truth, is only a foot wide in reality spans a mile.

So here I am standing on the edge not sure how to get across.  I have a desire that burns nonstop.  Now I must connect my desires with my actions.  Last week when I realized my insanity the first thought that flashed into my mind was, "Why haven't I been waking up earlier and working out."  At that point I saw no connection between exercising and my career path, nonetheless I have worked out both Friday and today.  I decided that I would give it a go and see what happens.

I walked out of the gym today my brain began making possible connections.  In the fall of 1998 I had just finished my senior season of football.  I was a good player and was being recruited by Weber State.  After a strange recruiting trip I decided to pass on the scholarship I was offered.  I was ready to move on from football.  This was the main reason I used, but I knew deep down the real reason.  I was afraid.  First, I wasn't sure I could be spiritually strong around people so different from me.  The second reason was a secret I never told anybody.  I was so scared of looking like a weakling in the weight room that I decided to not fulfill a dream I had as a eight grader.

Now as a first step in a seemingly impossible challenge I am faced with a fear so old I rarely think of it.  Maybe experiencing the conquest of this will teach me how to overcome the fears that are holding me back now.  After all isn't fear the main reason why we refuse to walk into the unknown.

Bridging the Gap: Post 1

Most days I make the approximately 600 yard walk from the building where I work on the USU campus to the student center.  I justify this walk each day for any number of reasons.  I’m hungry and they sell killer hot dogs for just a buck.  I need to drop off some cash at the bank located in the same building.  I’ve been sitting too long and need to “stretch my legs.”  I need a refill of my large diet soda and out of embarrassment refuse to return to the café across from my office for the second time in as many hours.   I use this last justification more than I am willing to admit.  Regardless of my reasoning I always cherish those 1200 yards.  I take them slowly, squeezing every extra moment possible into the short jaunt.  Whether it begins innocent or not almost all of my journeys put me into some sort of deep self analysis. 

I do this because as a 31 year old father of 2 I have uncertainty where my career will take me.  I fight my worst fear every day of “leaving something on the table.”  I spend the time thinking, praying and sometimes pleading with God for help.  I am more than capable it is only a direction I am lacking.  On my walk today I had the thought pop into my mind, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result”.  At first I brushed it aside assuming it was to be applied to someone else, but as I neared the same 8 steps that lead to the patio in front of the student center I remembered that I had been doing this for nearly 2 years.  At that point I officially accepted the terms of my handicap.  I'm insane.  I've been pleading for the direction I need for years refusing to change much else.  This can go on no longer.  

The gap between thoughts/dreams and actions/reality has been in front of me for a long time now.  I am now going to bridge the gap and see what happens.  I know that I have to make certain specific changes, but have yet to incorporate them.  Let’s see if doing something different actually results in a “different result.”